Conscious wavelengths

I’ve been very mindful of starting this relationship fresh. Whole new beginning. Something completely different which of course is the completely rational way of doing this but emotionally, it’s harder to pull off.

I think it’s common for widows, and perhaps even divorcees to some degree to sort of pick up in the new relationship where they left off in the other. Probably more so widows, as it just ended and then what?

I’m a relationship girl, I always have been. I slot into that role well. Girlfriend/Lover/Partner/Fiancé/Wife. I’ve done it all before, it’s natural to just be that way to me. Thankfully I’m with someone who appreciates those roles but I’m still being very careful to let this play out how it should in the time line that it should. No rushing.

It’s ok to enjoy the early stages, to let things unfold, to just be – no expectations or worrying about what may happen. I don’t need to know if we’re forever, I don’t need to know we’ll get married or plan this whole long life together. It’s just nice to just be and allow.

Of course being the age we are means we’ve talked about things we see happening and being open about our needs and wants for our futures, because we’re at a stage now where we know what we want and don’t want. So we’ve communicated these things. We’ve just left off the rushing bit, it’ll all happen how it’s supposed to when it’s supposed to. Who needs that pressure? Neither of us, that’s for sure.

I can’t begin to describe how nice it is to just be living in this space without it needing to be anymore than it is right now in this moment. It’s so refreshing, so so easy. 

What is this feeling… Happy?

I was sure my heart was done with the madness of another person equal to me. Done.

I’d resigned myself to the fact that I’d had my one true love and that was that. 34 and my heart door was glued shut.

Now, I’m not saying I’m in love because it’s just early days and I’m not in any rush. My whole life has been a rush. I don’t need to declare my unwavering love for someone this fucking minute to validate our being together.

But I will say, I’m happy. I’m enjoying myself. I’m feeling contentment, and possible security and feelings of… What is this… Bliss?

This person has been in my world for a long time. As long as my husband in fact, because… He’s one of Russ’ friends. Here’s a fun fact, the first time I ever kissed Russ was in this person’s garage. And now we’re dating? Weird how things work out, huh?

The word is out and everyone has been so positive and encouraging. Not that it matters what others think really, but it certainly makes a difference to be encouraged over discouraged.

Suddenly I’ve got someone on my mind again, I’m laughing properly, feeling lighter, looking forward to things. I never thought I’d feel those things again. 

It’s not lost on either of us that in order for us to be together, the world lost an adored husband and an amazing friend. We don’t need congrats or accolades for finally finding one another, we’re just us doing our thing and enjoying the beginning of something that may just be pretty fucking magical… 

Friendship evolution

It’s interesting, time hop can show you moments gone past and have a huge effect on your headspace regarding things you wondered about.

Today’s one featured an act of kindness on my part. Something I did without hesitation for a friend who would have otherwise not been able to get something they needed and wanted also.

It was a no brainer decision for me at the time. She had a need, I had the means. Simple right?

Over the next two years, that friendship saw some strains, some great times too but definitely some strains. There has been some seriously emotional things go on in our world since we lost Russ and for a while there it felt like it was just wave after wave of hard and hurt and tears.

This person and I are no longer friends which I know without a shadow of a doubt was absolutely the right decision for me when I made it and still is right now, but it doesn’t mean they didn’t and don’t mean something.

Today’s time hop made me reflect. Do I keep score? No, not as a general rule. Why am I able to rattle stuff off now? Because my effort was consistently questioned.

In many different ways, many different times, I was told that I wasn’t doing enough when really, I was doing the best I could and in my own way. I can only really do things the way I know how and with difficult emotional circumstances over a long period of time, expectations for MORE were hard.

This person would tell you they didn’t expect more but being told regularly that others asked why we even friends or being told I should have done something differently to make them feel x, y & z instead of a, b & c, really makes you wonder what you’re doing there in the first place. I wasn’t a bad friend, I just wasn’t what they needed. My soul finally saw that and called it quits. VERY quickly actually. I was just done. Of course nothing is ever that simple but that one moment in time made me realise there was no repairing it because that person wouldn’t take lightly me telling them that in fact, they weren’t doing it for me anymore either as they had been doing with me whether they knew it or not.

As with all my friendships, I give what I can. Whilst also juggling single parenthood, my own life, my own demons, fears and goals and wants. That’s all I really expect, is that someone give what they’re capable of giving and give no more than that. You see, what I’ve learned during difficult times (of which I’ve had many more than just losing my beloved) is to preserve your energy. I didn’t know I was doing that until I really thought about what I put out, when, how and why.

Big emotional events make people stick to one another or move away from one another. These same events change us, change who we are, the way we see things and the things we’ll put up with. Sometimes it takes a bit to get to that point. Sometimes you see it coming and other times it niggles until it just breaks and when it breaks, I’m done.

Dear Rusi… On your third heavenly birthday

To my heavenly husband on what would have been your 38th birthday,

So much has changed. I stood looking back at the last 2 and a bit years wondering how we all got here without you. At the beginning, it seemed like the most impossible task and now, looking back, it’s just happened whether we liked it or not.

Time has sped up and here we are. It’s your birthday again… And you’re not here.

I think of you constantly, I don’t think that’ll ever go away. How can it, my heart now beats for the both of us.

The kids miss you terribly, many tears have been shed lately. They struggle to move forward while keeping you with them, just like the rest of us.

My only wish today is that you feel the huge amounts of love being sent to you. Your annual event is falling on your birthday this year which is perfection in my opinion.

I love you, love you, love you. My very favourite person. Xx

Category 5 Cyclone

If I was to sum up my life, this is how I would describe it.

I’ve done it all. At just 34, I’ve been a teen Mum, a single mum, a solo parent with a partner. I’ve been engaged twice – married once, I’ve done the big drawn out separation and custody battles, I’ve seen my whole happy future in my mind, I’ve seen that same life fall away to complete non-existence, I’ve planned and executed a wedding to the love of my life and then dealt with the most heartbreaking thing imaginable and said goodbye to that love of my life. I have loved someone so much that it hurt to love them even though I was so happy.

I’ve travelled – alone, with family and with friends, I’ve run businesses, I’ve been in debt and not sure how I’ll pay my bills. I’ve had money, bought a house and sold a house. Ive supported my kids both financially and emotionally primarily on my own for the last 15yrs. I’ve fine tuned my tribe – collecting beautiful friends. I’ve lost friends along the way but always for the right reasons, even when it may not have felt like it in that minute. I’ve agonised over what advice to give my teenaged daughters, I’ve worried like only a mother can.  I’ve been a daughter, a sister, a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter-in-law, a sister-in-law, a fiancé.

I’ve wondered if I’ll still be around tomorrow, I’ve been certain that nothing will break me. I’ve been a party girl – crawling into bed at 5am and I’ve been a home body – complete with doona, couch and remote.

I’ve felt the extreme highs of life, laughed until my jaw hurt, experienced a million different things in one day, been so heartbroken I couldn’t breathe. I’ve laid on my couch sure that my heart would just stop because how could it continue to beat when it hurt so much. I’ve sat on that same couch and felt so much love that I almost forgot that pain for a second.

I’ve had no faith, I’ve questioned the universe, I’ve found my spiritual legs and gained unwavering faith in something bigger. I’ve seen and heard things so unbelievable that had it not been me seeing and hearing them, I’d struggle to understand the possibility of them. I’ve witnessed magic, I’ve questioned magic, I’ve produced magic myself.

I’ve been a pessimist, I’ve been an optimist, I’ve been a realist. I’ve let people get to me, I’ve overcome people’s opinions of me. I’ve sat quietly in my shit, I’ve screamed joy from a rooftop. I’ve fallen in holes, dug myself holes, learned coping mechanisms and got out of those holes.

I’ve been wonderous about life, I’ve hated life, I’ve loved the team environment I’ve built here in my home with my kids and I’ve cussed out Russ for leaving me here to do all the blue jobs.

I have struggled. I have rejoiced. I have felt every single emotion known to man in such varying degrees. I’ve experienced hypocrisy and fought it more and more as the years go on. I’ve been quiet, I’ve been a handful. I’ve been at peace and in complete turmoil. I’ve taken risks. I’ve learned that I require risks to keep myself interested.

I’ve learned who I want around me and as a result, who I don’t. I’ve lived through many different friendships and know what I will and won’t put up with. I’ve known who I am completely only to not know all over again.

I’ve been a bunch of different people, all of whom wouldn’t recognise another version of me if they tried. I’ve been so many versions of me, impossibly possible.

I’ve been broken, several times. I’ve rebuilt, even more times. I’ve created, I’ve destroyed, I’ve LIVED THIS FUCKING LIFE.

My Mum says that I’ve taken all the hardest roads. Perhaps that’s true. At the time, they were the only roads available to me… So hardest, or just my lot?

I’ve done it all and yet there is so much more to go. Choices. To live a lovely life. I think that’s what I was already trying to do and even with all the adversity, I can’t complain. I have done so many things, experienced so much, how could I possibly not be thankful for what I’ve got and the life experiences I’ve gained?

Dear Mazy, you little cyclone. Keep blowing. Xxx

When you’re ready, you’ll just know

A lot of people have spoken to me about moving on in the relationship sense over the last couple of years and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever truly be ready. How could I possibly love someone like I loved him? It seemed completely unfathomable. 

In fact, not so long ago, I had come to the conclusion that I’d already had my great love and now it was just time for me to live with no expectation of ever getting that again. Such a sad thought when I really think about it.

What I’ve learned is that that headspace was a preface to me having an ah-ha moment of “Oh my god, it’s happened, I am actually ready for this.”

Without going into too much detail, because God knows who’s reading, not only have I realised I’m ready but the minute I did it was like the universe delivered several compatible suitors ripe for my picking. Hi guys, just line up here thanks. I’ll be with you in a moment.

Dating is a foreign concept for me. I’m relationship girl. I just sort of find myself in a relationship and have managed to skip the dating part. At least in the traditional sense. I guess being the unconventional person that I am has meant I’ve always just done it my way. 

It’s actually kind of fun, and nice just to let things grow without any expectations or plans other than today. This moment, right now, that’s what matters the most. It’s interesting to observe myself in this space, it would seem my tastes and needs have changed. I guess I always just started seeing someone and then it was just about them, everyone else just fell away. But now I’m enjoying keeping my options open and allowing for different people to provide different things. I guess then I can truly see who is best suited across the board.

Ah life, you funny little beast.

Adoration


This photo is one of the hundreds I’ve got of Russ and I loving one another.

You only have to look through our photos together to know how much we adored one another. Every second photo was of one of us looking at the other one with total love in our eyes.  If you were lucky enough to witness it in person, then that was a whole different story in itself. Our love was a mix of laughter, banter, arguing (our favourite pastime) and complete adoration. Ok, sometimes we didn’t like each other very much, but we always loved.

As time goes on, I sometimes forget what we had; which sounds ridiculous, how could I forget that? It’s hard when they’re not here to confirm it like they used to. Sometimes, I have to really really immerse myself in that old life to remember just what we had. I didn’t make it up. We really were each other’s best friend.

I only have to look back on our text messages to one another to know that there wasn’t one day where we didn’t tell each other we loved, adored, admired one another. Not one day.

Even if it was done while frustrated.

“Fuck you shit me, how hard is it to pick up your shit? ”

“But baby… You love me. And I love you! Lots many!”

“Grr! Love you too. Lots many, maybe like 27 or something. Jerk face.”
Or 

“Bitch tits, did you eat my leftover cannelloni? I was saving that for when I got home.”

“Yes, it was DELICIOUS!”

“Now what will I eat? Air I suppose?”

“When I get home, I’m going to cook you the best damn meatballs this side of the harbour bridge.”

“I love you. I love your meatballs. You’re a bitch but I’ll keep you. Xxx”

When he was working away:

“It’s only fun to have the bed to myself for one night. COME HOME! I miss you snoring loudly and obstructing the tv with your ridiculously long legs.”

“I hate being here away from you. My heart misses his Mazy. I’ll be home as soon as I can listening to YOU snore, Bestie.”

Or just because…

“Love your guts, my gorgeous girl.”

“How many loves do you have for me today?”

“Like, 5 maybe?”

“That’s not very many!”

“Out of 4! That’s massive!”

We really did have something great. I just have to kept reminding myself that when I forget.

All in a years work…


If you were to look back on your life and think about the things that have happened along the way and the energy you’ve spent on certain situations, would you regret spending so much time worrying about things?

I know I do. That’s where my regrets lie, in the energy put out to situations that at the time seemed huge but in hindsight, were really just a useless waste of my time.

The last couple of years have been stresses to do with living my life ever after with a broken heart. Some stresses are valid and unavoidable.

Prior to that though, what did I stress about that was unnecessary? My ex and his toolbox behaviours, money, time, people being people. Seriously… What a waste of my precious time.

I know a year from now will look COMPLETELY different from today. I know that if I spend time worrying now about silly things, they’ll not even be on my radar in 12mths time.

I always try to say to my kids that whatever is going on right now won’t matter soon enough and they don’t get it. I wouldn’t have when I was their age either.

Whatever it is you’re worrying about, STOP IT. In 12mths time, this shit you’ve got playing in your head right now won’t even be a thing. Why waste time worrying about it now?

To my favourite person…

Rusi – the original pants,

I had the weirdest moment this afternoon.

I couldn’t remember what your hands looked like. So weird. I went hunting for a photograph that had a perfect picture of at least one of your hands. Took me a bit but I found one. That’s right, that’s what your hands looked like.

Then I zoomed in on your face. I studied it. I remember now. I remember that face. It’s different to the one I have in my brain. I can’t explain it but the memory version of you I carry around is a feeling, not really a picture. I haven’t ever forgotten feeling of you, but I have moments where I forget your physical body.

After that I watched a series of videos of you on my phone. How can I have forgotten how you moved your hands when you spoke, or moved your mouth or raised your eyebrows when you spoke about something you loved? Your crooked smile when you were being cheeky or the way your eyes wrinkled in the corners when you laughed at something you found really funny. The way you winked at me almost like it was second nature, not intentional, just a gesture – for me.

I told the videoed version of you today that I missed you. Over and over I watched them,  again and again I told you that I miss you. Did I think that you’d stop what you were doing in the video and say it back to me? My person, stuck in loops, never to utter another word. That voice, yet another thing I sometimes forget.

It’s surreal sometimes, thinking about how much time has gone by, how much you’ve missed, how things and people have changed so drastically since you left us. And how you, will always only just be what you were.

I didn’t cry today. I felt, deeply… but I didn’t cry. It was like being stuck in an alternate reality – where are you, where did you go?

I guess maybe this is happening because I’m literally standing on the line to my new life. On one side is you and the other is… Who knows? How many of these lines have I crossed already? Countless amounts, but you’ve always followed. This line I’m standing on though, you’re not on the other side of it.

I felt you tonight when I was staring blankly at the Tele pretending to watch with the kids but really thinking about how detached I was becoming from you as time was ticking on. How can your heart beat for someone while you feel so detached from them and the life they lived with you? It’s a mystery to me…

Rusi – my very favourite pants, I will always come back and search for moments filled with you.

I love you. I miss you. 

Your MP. Xx

Everywhere I go, you go.

Off to Tasmania this afternoon. It’s funny, I never really saw myself going there. It was one of those places I sort of put on the Yeah, if it happens or comes up, I guess I’ll go but I never really put any weight into thinking I would.

Then my sister was going for work and told Mum and I to come down for the weekend so, off to Tassie we go. 

Russ said quite a few times that he wanted to move down there. He’d never been but he was SURE he just wanted to pack up and head south. I’m guessing he had this idealistic view of timber houses on mountains amongst trees in the middle of nowhere. I say that because that was very him. He was happiest in the middle of bum fuck nowhere. Maybe he thought it was the best place to escape to… He liked to escape. Who knows.

He never made it which upsets me a little, not even for a little weekend trip. I did enjoy listening to him talk about this place though, as if he knew in his gut that it was his world.

So naturally, as with everywhere I go, I’ll be taking some of him with me to leave behind in this favourite place of his that he never got to visit. 

Oh Rusi… If only it was you in person.

Miss his guts. 😪