If I was to sum up my life, this is how I would describe it.
I’ve done it all. At just 34, I’ve been a teen Mum, a single mum, a solo parent with a partner. I’ve been engaged twice – married once, I’ve done the big drawn out separation and custody battles, I’ve seen my whole happy future in my mind, I’ve seen that same life fall away to complete non-existence, I’ve planned and executed a wedding to the love of my life and then dealt with the most heartbreaking thing imaginable and said goodbye to that love of my life. I have loved someone so much that it hurt to love them even though I was so happy.
I’ve travelled – alone, with family and with friends, I’ve run businesses, I’ve been in debt and not sure how I’ll pay my bills. I’ve had money, bought a house and sold a house. Ive supported my kids both financially and emotionally primarily on my own for the last 15yrs. I’ve fine tuned my tribe – collecting beautiful friends. I’ve lost friends along the way but always for the right reasons, even when it may not have felt like it in that minute. I’ve agonised over what advice to give my teenaged daughters, I’ve worried like only a mother can. I’ve been a daughter, a sister, a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter-in-law, a sister-in-law, a fiancé.
I’ve wondered if I’ll still be around tomorrow, I’ve been certain that nothing will break me. I’ve been a party girl – crawling into bed at 5am and I’ve been a home body – complete with doona, couch and remote.
I’ve felt the extreme highs of life, laughed until my jaw hurt, experienced a million different things in one day, been so heartbroken I couldn’t breathe. I’ve laid on my couch sure that my heart would just stop because how could it continue to beat when it hurt so much. I’ve sat on that same couch and felt so much love that I almost forgot that pain for a second.
I’ve had no faith, I’ve questioned the universe, I’ve found my spiritual legs and gained unwavering faith in something bigger. I’ve seen and heard things so unbelievable that had it not been me seeing and hearing them, I’d struggle to understand the possibility of them. I’ve witnessed magic, I’ve questioned magic, I’ve produced magic myself.
I’ve been a pessimist, I’ve been an optimist, I’ve been a realist. I’ve let people get to me, I’ve overcome people’s opinions of me. I’ve sat quietly in my shit, I’ve screamed joy from a rooftop. I’ve fallen in holes, dug myself holes, learned coping mechanisms and got out of those holes.
I’ve been wonderous about life, I’ve hated life, I’ve loved the team environment I’ve built here in my home with my kids and I’ve cussed out Russ for leaving me here to do all the blue jobs.
I have struggled. I have rejoiced. I have felt every single emotion known to man in such varying degrees. I’ve experienced hypocrisy and fought it more and more as the years go on. I’ve been quiet, I’ve been a handful. I’ve been at peace and in complete turmoil. I’ve taken risks. I’ve learned that I require risks to keep myself interested.
I’ve learned who I want around me and as a result, who I don’t. I’ve lived through many different friendships and know what I will and won’t put up with. I’ve known who I am completely only to not know all over again.
I’ve been a bunch of different people, all of whom wouldn’t recognise another version of me if they tried. I’ve been so many versions of me, impossibly possible.
I’ve been broken, several times. I’ve rebuilt, even more times. I’ve created, I’ve destroyed, I’ve LIVED THIS FUCKING LIFE.
My Mum says that I’ve taken all the hardest roads. Perhaps that’s true. At the time, they were the only roads available to me… So hardest, or just my lot?
I’ve done it all and yet there is so much more to go. Choices. To live a lovely life. I think that’s what I was already trying to do and even with all the adversity, I can’t complain. I have done so many things, experienced so much, how could I possibly not be thankful for what I’ve got and the life experiences I’ve gained?
Dear Mazy, you little cyclone. Keep blowing. Xxx