Interesting reflection the other day (Russ’ angelversary) surrounding me having moved forwards and what that now means according to many.
No one just out and said it, because, well I’m not surrounded by arseholes BUT there was a definite air about it.
On Russ’ angelversary, all his bestest and I gathered at his favourite pub. Like we do… This year the family chose to all be together elsewhere and that’s ok. Little sad because it gave me that real sense that I had officially moved onto another part of my life, but still ok. We all have to do what we have to do, right?
During these drinks, I encouraged people to talk about Russ. After all, that’s why we were there, right? Except that they tried not to… Not because they didn’t want to, but because I was at these Russ drinks with my current partner. So as not to offend him, they would change the subject. I even stated at one point in the night, with current partner in tow, that this night was about Russ. That boyf was there to celebrate him too and that this is not a surprise.
My current partner is ok with Russ talk. He and I do this thing, it’s called COMMUNICATING, I know unbelieveable, right? I know his Russ boundaries and he knows mine. We stick to those. We’re open and honest about how we feel about every single thing. He hasn’t come out of nowhere and doesn’t know the back story, he watched the back story happen. He was there when I first stole a sneaky kiss from Russ standing on a milk crate in HIS garage. That’s right, current partners garage.
He knows that I can love him and love Russ too and he knows this because I just do.
The best way I can describe it is when pregnant with my second child I worried that I couldn’t possibly love her like I loved my first. Then my youngest was born and my heart grew. I loved them both equally and differently all in one.
I have learned I am capable of loving two men and being so so happy with only one. Current partner knows that too.
I was sad that people felt the need to be quiet about this awesome guy we had all gathered to celebrate because they were worried about the guy I love now. I’m glad we have lovely people in our lives that care, but it didn’t make it less sad.
Moving forwards doesn’t make the past disappear. I’m grateful I’m with someone who understands that, even if others struggle to.