Dear Rusi,

Let me just start by saying WHHHHAAAAAAAAATTTT?!??

3 bloody years today. That’s how long you’ve been gone. The thought of this is met with a big sigh and the noise of my internal computer trying to process this. 

I don’t understand how we’re here. One minute you were here, then you weren’t, now it’s been 3 whole years. What the fuckity fuck? Seriously!

I know you can see me. I know you know I’ve moved forwards. I also know you’d have wanted that for me. He’s a good bloke, you know, you chose him as your friend first. I trust your judgement, you always had amazing friends.

The missing is different this year. I miss you. I miss us. But I’m happy where I am. Weird huh? I’m living two lives alongside each other. Neither one more important than the other, but different, you know?

I’ve felt you around a lot lately. The feeling is odd, not like it was. Instead of an insistence, it’s just a gentle reminder. I don’t look as often now, so you make your presence known more gently.

I wonder if that’s when you know you’ve healed sufficiently in order to move forwards, when you don’t wait expectantly for any sort of sign from your beloved. I feel you when you come, but I rarely call you myself. I appreciate your visits but I don’t expect them.

The girls have felt you around, though I know you know that. The big one had a rare one sided and funny conversation with you the other day, I appreciated your presence in that moment.

We’re doing ok, my love. We still honour you, we still think of you, we still love you. You will always be a part of us and hopefully, the parts of us we lost when we lost you being nurtured up there with you.

There is still a Rusi shaped hole, but thankfully, it’s a little smaller. I guess that’s what 3 years does…

I love you. Very many.

Mazypants xx