I’ve been working on triggers since this all began, in a 100 different ways. Triggers to events or emotions felt can spin you right off your axis if you’re not careful. 

The sound of an ambulance use to trigger me. I’d physically recoil as the siren went past me, such was its affect on me because of the noise being connected to such a tragedy. Nowadays, I’m pensive about it. It doesn’t trigger me, though it does make me wonder if the person at the other end is ok, if they will be ok, if that family will be spared the agony we all went through.

Songs used to trigger me. Stuff that had played repetitively in good times with Russ made me sob because they’d never happen again and songs that had played on the radio around when he died made me fall in the grief rabbit hole.

Not long after we lost Russ, McDonalds brought out Monster High merch for happy meal toys and boy did that trigger me. Plastic Coffin handbags as casual McDonalds toys. It sent me into a tailspin. What the hell were you thinking Macca’s? I voiced my distaste for such a thoughtless toy on my Facebook page and most people were very meh about it. “It’s from a monster high! No big deal!” I was ropable, it’s a fucking coffin. Popular kids cartoon or not, McDonalds just gave my kids a fucking COFFIN.

On reflection now, this far down the track, my reaction was as a direct result of not coping at the time. I still think giving kids a coffin handbag isn’t the most child appropriate toy, but I myself have come to a more relaxed state regarding this. Because a coffin is no longer a trigger for me, you see? I’d still probably toss it out if it were given to us, but I wouldn’t have had such a strong reaction to it.

Ive found myself having massive triggers lately of an entirely different nature. My Dad is not really great at the moment. All his own doing. It’s causing a lot of strain and painful stuff to come up. I’m fighting myself to stay strong and remain in a staunch headspace but I’ve found by doing that, it creates other frustrations and I become furious at others who seem to create the same unnecessary burdens. Why does someone else’s choices for the long hard road have to affect me? Seriously.

I’ve never understood why people deliberately destroy themselves. Why they give up. Why they think they are immune from the consequences of their actions and how they think they’re actions don’t then create consequences for the people around them. People in constant destruction mode shatter the lives of their people constantly. It might be just tiny amounts but the consistent unrest, poor decisions, stubborn inability to just get it right and lack of care for how it’s affecting the people around them takes its toll. The people, whether it be family or otherwise, who surround you begin to tire. They can’t hold these poor decision makers up while they continue to selfishly go through life not helping themselves. There’s a huge difference between building someone up again when they’ve been down and out vs holding someone up while they make the same mistakes over and over and over again without ever changing their behaviour.

So all that brings me to my point… 

Having had all these issues with my Dad lately, I’ve found my tolerance is even less than it usually is. Won’t help yourself, I can’t help you either. Refuse to make things easier for yourself (and consequently, the people around you), then you’ll be doing it alone. 

The definition of insanity is: doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. 

I can take comfort in the fact that when something isn’t working, I change direction. Why is that so hard for others to do? Why do they keep doing the same things over and over expecting it to be different? Why can’t they see that there is an easier road or that it doesn’t have to be this hard?

Triggers are interesting and enlightening. If you take the time to really wonder why something is triggering you, and break it all down, you’ll see there’s something else there that needs to be worked through. If you pay attention to the feeling and correlate it with another feeling, you’ll see why something is triggering you in the first place.

Over and out.