I held my breath this morning while I checked my On this Day on Facebook. What would I see?

Ouch. A day of fun in Thailand with my love and my kids. The pain is weird this year. I’m tired when I feel it. Irritated. It shouldn’t be this way, we shouldn’t have to feel this.

The usual (my new normal) feeling of despair mixed with confusion mixed with a removed feeling of happiness from this new life I’m living has descended upon me this morning. I’m 9 days out from the anniversary of the day I tied myself to the love of my life and I can feel it creeping into my soul. The dread, the horror, the missingness of him.

I have genuinely happy news. News that makes me heart flutter and soul sing and yet here I am reliving some horror from my past. This won’t ever end, will it 😦

My mind keeps playing me snippets, a few times a day, of times gone by and I have to shake them off. It’s the most obscure feeling, like I made this whole life I’m remembering up. Did I make it up? Was it real? Was he real? Were we real? 

Obviously my coping mechanisms have kicked into overdrive. I’m not supposed to suffer forever, surely. Except I will. In different ways, but the suffering will continue in many different forms.

When I escape from these moments I have to remind myself that it’s ok for me to be as happy as I am in this now life and yet, I have all this horror in all the deepest crevasses of my soul that I can’t completely escape.

Gotta just trudge on. I’ve come so far, we all have. What choice do we have but to keep on going? Not like throwing our hands in the air and yelling ENOUGH will do anything. I know, I’ve tried.

Here’s to another day in paradise. Where my two different lives Mish mash at a moments notice. Where I’m confused and in pain but happy and in love. Fucking weird.