I’ve been monitoring my mindset. Why? Because it’s around this time over the last couple of years that I start to fall in that hole again. The descent, into grief.
Up until today I’ve been fine. Then this morning happened. I woke up from a dream where Russ was laying next to me whispering stuff in my ear. Hi Friend, it’s been a while, how you been?
The tears started early. Like the minute my boyfriend left for work. I didn’t know I was holding onto them until he left.
One month from today would have been my third wedding anniversary. This is the point it starts. I subconsciously prepare myself for a day that should have been about us but instead it’s only about what would have and could have been for us. Then 6.5weeks later is the day he left us for good. Fucking ache. It never leaves!
This period last year was soul destroying. I was tortured for months from now until well after his death anniversary. I struggled, painfully. Not alone, thankfully but when you’re grieving, you’re always alone. Weird huh?
In some ways it feels like it happened a lifetime ago, in others it was just this last minute that it happened.
I wondered how I’d be this year with the upcoming time period. Because this year is different. I’ve moved forwards. I’ve healed significantly. I’ve found happiness again, genuine happiness. My heart feels full and yet… He’s missing so I don’t know how that can be. Especially because there is a Russ shaped hole in my heart! It’s like I’ve grown a new section, one specific to my new life. The new life without him. *sob*
So as I descend into this years mourning period my only wish is that he feels all the love we send his way. That’s what the tears and the pain and the sadness is for. It’s for him.