It’s interesting, time hop can show you moments gone past and have a huge effect on your headspace regarding things you wondered about.
Today’s one featured an act of kindness on my part. Something I did without hesitation for a friend who would have otherwise not been able to get something they needed and wanted also.
It was a no brainer decision for me at the time. She had a need, I had the means. Simple right?
Over the next two years, that friendship saw some strains, some great times too but definitely some strains. There has been some seriously emotional things go on in our world since we lost Russ and for a while there it felt like it was just wave after wave of hard and hurt and tears.
This person and I are no longer friends which I know without a shadow of a doubt was absolutely the right decision for me when I made it and still is right now, but it doesn’t mean they didn’t and don’t mean something.
Today’s time hop made me reflect. Do I keep score? No, not as a general rule. Why am I able to rattle stuff off now? Because my effort was consistently questioned.
In many different ways, many different times, I was told that I wasn’t doing enough when really, I was doing the best I could and in my own way. I can only really do things the way I know how and with difficult emotional circumstances over a long period of time, expectations for MORE were hard.
This person would tell you they didn’t expect more but being told regularly that others asked why we even friends or being told I should have done something differently to make them feel x, y & z instead of a, b & c, really makes you wonder what you’re doing there in the first place. I wasn’t a bad friend, I just wasn’t what they needed. My soul finally saw that and called it quits. VERY quickly actually. I was just done. Of course nothing is ever that simple but that one moment in time made me realise there was no repairing it because that person wouldn’t take lightly me telling them that in fact, they weren’t doing it for me anymore either as they had been doing with me whether they knew it or not.
As with all my friendships, I give what I can. Whilst also juggling single parenthood, my own life, my own demons, fears and goals and wants. That’s all I really expect, is that someone give what they’re capable of giving and give no more than that. You see, what I’ve learned during difficult times (of which I’ve had many more than just losing my beloved) is to preserve your energy. I didn’t know I was doing that until I really thought about what I put out, when, how and why.
Big emotional events make people stick to one another or move away from one another. These same events change us, change who we are, the way we see things and the things we’ll put up with. Sometimes it takes a bit to get to that point. Sometimes you see it coming and other times it niggles until it just breaks and when it breaks, I’m done.