Rusi – the original pants,

I had the weirdest moment this afternoon.

I couldn’t remember what your hands looked like. So weird. I went hunting for a photograph that had a perfect picture of at least one of your hands. Took me a bit but I found one. That’s right, that’s what your hands looked like.

Then I zoomed in on your face. I studied it. I remember now. I remember that face. It’s different to the one I have in my brain. I can’t explain it but the memory version of you I carry around is a feeling, not really a picture. I haven’t ever forgotten feeling of you, but I have moments where I forget your physical body.

After that I watched a series of videos of you on my phone. How can I have forgotten how you moved your hands when you spoke, or moved your mouth or raised your eyebrows when you spoke about something you loved? Your crooked smile when you were being cheeky or the way your eyes wrinkled in the corners when you laughed at something you found really funny. The way you winked at me almost like it was second nature, not intentional, just a gesture – for me.

I told the videoed version of you today that I missed you. Over and over I watched them,  again and again I told you that I miss you. Did I think that you’d stop what you were doing in the video and say it back to me? My person, stuck in loops, never to utter another word. That voice, yet another thing I sometimes forget.

It’s surreal sometimes, thinking about how much time has gone by, how much you’ve missed, how things and people have changed so drastically since you left us. And how you, will always only just be what you were.

I didn’t cry today. I felt, deeply… but I didn’t cry. It was like being stuck in an alternate reality – where are you, where did you go?

I guess maybe this is happening because I’m literally standing on the line to my new life. On one side is you and the other is… Who knows? How many of these lines have I crossed already? Countless amounts, but you’ve always followed. This line I’m standing on though, you’re not on the other side of it.

I felt you tonight when I was staring blankly at the Tele pretending to watch with the kids but really thinking about how detached I was becoming from you as time was ticking on. How can your heart beat for someone while you feel so detached from them and the life they lived with you? It’s a mystery to me…

Rusi – my very favourite pants, I will always come back and search for moments filled with you.

I love you. I miss you. 

Your MP. Xx