Be warned, this post is likely to be too spiritual for a lot, though there will be a few whom this resonates with. This is for you.
After we lost Russ, I went on a very intense spiritual journey. I think we all do to some extent when we lose something that means everything to us. It just may not look like mine did.
I searched in desperation for answers.
Why? Why was he taken? Why him, why not some useless arsehat?
Where? Where did he go? Energy doesn’t just extinguish.
What? What would become of me now? Of us? Of this life we created?
To say I catapulted into a sea of a million different answers is an understatement. Suddenly I had answers to all these questions. If that seems odd, then we’re on different paths and that’s ok.
The speedy information downloads slowed to a dull hum and I plateau’ed. For then, I had what I needed to know in order to make sense of all this.
Recently, without knowing why, I jumped back on the train and started speeding back into a transition phase of personal and spiritual growth. The signs, the messages, the answers. Answers to questions I didn’t know I’d asked. What I was asking now was “Why are you showing me this?” It’s kinda like getting on a plane with a mystery ticket for no reason, or so you think. Why am I on this plane, where the hell are we going?
Transitional phases are hard. Especially when you don’t seek it out yourself but rather get forced into it. At least when you choose to jump in, you’re searching for something in particular. When you get placed in, you’re searching for what exactly? Try being told to go find something, in a hay stack, but no sorry we can’t tell you what you’re looking for.
I find myself irritated by myself and by people. That’s transition. Funny, the transition portion of childbirth is like that too. Is that it? Is that what I’m experiencing a childbirth like spiritual transitioning period. Fuck sake, pass me the gas.
It’s like I’m wandering in a crowd of people and situations and everyone is just beyond irritating. Their silly little things and the silly little answers to those silly little things. My silly little things… Just as bad.
It’s interesting reflecting on ones behaviour when in these periods. I have always secluded myself, away from people. Because people annoy me, because I annoy myself. I’m heading into a serious lock down period, I can feel it. Self preservation. Western medicine, or a therapist rather, would tell you it’s depression. It’s not. It’s a space I create when the world gets loud and I just need to breath and think for a bit.
So, if you are one of the people in my every day world, I’m being quiet because I need to be quiet. I’ll be back. Xx