There is a massive difference in the needing and wanting. HUGE.

If I could hold onto him forever, I would. If holding onto him brought him back, I’d hold on until my last breath in the hopes that I’d get to spend one more second with him here. If holding onto him meant that he knew all the way on the other side that he has my heart forever, I’d want to do that until I’m there with him.

I don’t think there will ever be a time I can honestly say that I want to let him go, for real. Because letting go means shutting the door on a past I loved and opening the door to a new future without him. That sucks, frankly.

Unfortunately, as more and more one goes on, I find not letting go to be detrimental to me and my current life. What does it make me if I hold on? A sad lonely widow, holding onto something that doesn’t exist here anymore. It stunts a future I could have. Truth.

Letting go has to be a conscious decision. I have to remind myself that in order to live, I NEED to let go. I don’t WANT to, but I NEED to. Plus, he’d be the first to tell me to let go and move on.

I do wonder, how does this impact on staying in touch with all the people who love him too. I’m not looking at letting go of those friendships/relationships, but I do have to work out how to separate our bonds from him being the thing that’s brought us together because so long as I don’t do that, I’m not truly letting go, am I?

There is one massive difference between me letting go and every single other person who loved him. I have to let go or I’ll never get to live the life I should be living, because he has my heart. If I don’t make that conscious effort, I’m stuck here forever. Just waiting for when he and I are back together. Everyone else who loved him gets to hold on and not let go because they have their lives outside of that. They get to have their intimate relationships with people, and let’s face it that’s what life is about, having those connections and…. They get to continue to hold onto him because it doesn’t affect that aspect of their lives now or moving forwards. I can’t do that. If I hold on, I’ll be a lonely woman forever.

There is so much focus on me starting to live again and so my mind is constantly whirring.

I’m trying…