It’s interesting looking at the feelings associated with the first year milestones and then comparing to the second years days.
A lot have been different. I’ve learned to live without him, mostly. I’ve learned that I can do this AND I’ve learned that life goes on.
All the days I could possibly miss him more have been different this year. His second birthday without him, Christmas, New Years, Australia Day, Easter, Our wedding anniversary, ANZAC Day, My Birthday and now I’m looking down the barrel of his second death anniversary.
Here we are again. Wow, that’s flown by.
Last year, I’d just got back from a self imposed Eat, Pray, Love trip. I’d run away, to try and make sense of fuck knows what. It helped in a million different ways, but I didn’t come back whole. I wonder if I ever will be again?
Last year, we all got together the day after his first anniversary (family and friends, tonnes of us) and scattered his ashes in the bush where he used to love to ride his dirtbike.
Last year, I was angry. I tried not to be. I tried my best to be zen, I’d just spent 3 weeks in Bali for fucks sake, doing healing and yoga and listening to the universe guide me however it did to whatever I needed in that next moment. I came back refreshed, only to start to get angrier and angrier as his day approached.
We went out bush and I was furious at him and emotional as all hell. How could he leave me here? Why wasn’t he more careful? Why. The. Fuck and fucking fuck you! I have to start this whole new life and I have no choice and I don’t wanna and FUCK YOU!
I thought that may be the last of that anger and it mostly has been…. Until once again, I face the lead up to his death day and I’ve found myself angry again.
What the hell? Those same feelings of red hot fury have popped up quite frequently and I’m struggling to not think about how mad I am at him. How ridiculous, really!
I want to celebrate him, not hate on him.
As is often the case, the lead up is usually worse than the day itself but in last years case, THAT day was horrendous. I hope this years isn’t quite so.