Widows struggle with many many different facets of this new life but something Im really struggling with this week is that I will never again be the person I was before I lost him.
After going over to Thailand and spreading a large portion of his remaining ashes in our spaces, as I said I would from the beginning, I’ve come back to my life here and sort of felt lost. I know the point of my trip back there was to finally let go. I let go of a lot, but you never truly get rid of what you’ve experienced, it continues to live on in you.
Who am I now? How do I figure out what to do with this new me? How do I properly move forward, and try to leave the past behind me like I so desperately want to do? How the heck do I really let go? The resounding “LET GO, MOVE ON, IT’S TIME!” from everyone around me is fucking loud.
I feel like the last 22mths has been all about letting go and moving on and figuring out who I am now with this heartbreak and turmoil and experience.
I’m not who I was. I’m not even a little bit what or who I was. This has been one of the hardest things to navigate for me. I spent 32yrs getting to know me, like really getting to know me and some would say that unlike many my age, I was very aware of the real me. I’d worked hard to get to know her, I liked her with all her flaws, qualities, weaknesses and strengths. Then, my world crumpled and I’ve had to stumble around learning about me again whilst grieving a man I loved, a woman I used to be and a life I knew and wanted to live.
It’s like I’m living with a stranger sometimes which makes it difficult because the stranger is me. Imagine spending 32yrs building a Lego house. Carefully and strategically putting pieces together and knowing where each piece is. Then imagine some person coming in while you slept and blowing it up. The pieces still exist except that now, they’re everywhere. You don’t know where anything is and when you do find something familiar, it doesn’t fit with the pieces it used to fit with because each piece has been damaged or broken in some way.
That’s me right now. Slowly building again. Trying to figure out why pieces of me that used to fit together now longer do. I’m constantly looking, trying to put me back together but it doesn’t all go together like it used to so I have to find new pieces to go in there and they’re harder to find now than they used to be.
With this broken, half put together house that I don’t know very well because I’ve had to try and build it quickly just to survive, how do I move forward confidently? Fake it until I make it? I’ve got quite good at that. I hate faking shit though.
Big sigh. One day at a time huh? When does this get easier?