I knew this would be hard but wasn’t quite sure how hard it would be.

Flying into Thailand, our place, to the smells and the feel, to the space where he and I became one and the countless memories shared with one another here over the course of our trips here together.

I’ve been more emotional than I wanted. I’ve cried huge drippy tears more in this last week than I have collectively over the last couple of months. This was my last fear, being here without him. In our space. In a space we both loved so much. I’ve consciously set out to conquer all my other fears and this one, this was the biggest.

Stupid little triggers that I didn’t think would get me have. Songs, couples on scooters, even a couple swimming in the pool at my hotel and being playful with one another like we used to. I came back to hotel room for a nap today after some serious walking and watched a movie I’ve watched a bunch of times. I’ve never cried at the end but today I did. Something that was said, it brought home what I no longer have. AGAIN.

I have had several dreams about him since I got here. I wonder why this space has brought that on more than any other. I think subconsciously I’ve been dreading this trip more than being excited about it. Each dream I wake up from brings with it the same emotions. Joy that I had spent time with him and sorrow at having had to leave him there in my sleep.

I am not enjoying myself, but I am trying. That’s the best I can hope for right now.

Here’s to another day in paradise. Hopefully it brings more laughter than the ones preceding it.