Time just rolls by. Moments ticking by, minus you.
I don’t often have the urge to cry hard anymore but I’ve had a few moments like that over the last few weeks. I over analyse everything now. Why am I more sensitive today? Why is you missing harder this minute than last? Why am I finding it harder to block out the yearning this week?
Sometimes I can disconnect from my life so much that I feel like this happened to someone else. Then I reconnect. Hello bitchface grief, who invited you back? Bugger off, would you?
I can blame it on a million things. I’m tired, I’m stressed at work, I’m overwhelmed and under nourished, I stayed still too long, I spent too much time thinking, I had too much fun (what?), everyone else seems to be loved up, everyone is depressed, New Years, new days, new minutes, too much direction, not enough direction, sideways direction, something breaks, something is exciting. A million teeny tiny triggers, all placed strategically like land mines to prove that I have no control over this journey. It just is what it is and it will never be over, even when everything is ok.
I think the difference between now and then is I know that perhaps the next hour or day, I’ll feel better. That instead of it being all consuming and wondering when the hell I’ll feel less heartbroken, I know that just around the corner is a period of time when I’ll be fine again.
Small blessings huh?