I’ve dreamt about Russ a ton. I know how lucky I am to see him in this state, not everyone gets that. I also do things to encourage dreaming and remembering those dreams. We all dream, what we don’t all do is remember them. Read up some, there are a lot of things you can do to encourage and train your mind to remember your dreams.

They say in the beginning of the pit of grief, you’re unlikely to see them in your sleep cycle. Your grief is thick. Your mind is clouded. Your thoughts are weary and numb. Your feelings are almost violent in their presentation so if you do remember a dream, it’ll likely be terrifying. Because your reality is.

The first dream I had about Russ made me sob for days. I was stuck in between this unimaginable sadness that I no longer had him and this feeling of bliss for spending one more moment with him. Heartbreaking.

As time has gone on, I no longer wake from a dream about him with that heavy heart. I now feel such happiness at having spent time with my very favourite person. It’s all I have. I’ll take it. Gladly.

I had an odd one about a week ago. I kept trying to show him I loved him, as I used to. Hugging him, kissing him, snuggling into him, being close to him. He didn’t push me off or stop me, he allowed it and did it back but I could feel his emotion. Like really feel it. His emotion said, “We’re friends. Like we were before we began, like we were separately even when we were lovers and like we need to be in order for you to move on.”

His kisses were that of a friend. His hugs were from one best friend to another. His hands were warm and he held my hand tight but it was in such a way as to say, “I’ll hold your hand for eternity. As your bestest mate.”

The love was there. It was eternal. The passion was gone and I finally understood. It is no longer his job to fulfil my human need for his intimacy for he can no longer fulfil that. It is his job to be this bestest mate I always had in him and allow me to find human connection. Here. In this here and now. 

Weirdest dream. Most important dream of my life. Most poignant message EVER.

I felt no rejection. Only love. I woke up feeling like I finally understood. That guy, the one I laughed with constantly, took the piss out of and equally had the piss taken out of me by, the ‘friend’ I called to tell something funny or scary or even mundane to, he will always be there and accept the love I throw his way while happily giving it back to me if I need it, but he can no longer be my partner in crime. That was someone else’s role one day.