It was Rusi’s birthday a few weeks back. I dreaded it. I hurt leading up. I lay awake wishing with all of my heart that he were here for me to love and spoil. But he wasn’t. He’s not here anymore.

Rusi’s family have vowed to throw an event every year for him. Last year it was put together quickly just a couple of months after we lost him but this year it was done on his birthday weekend. That makes more sense. Celebrate him. Always celebrate him. This event will be held annually to celebrate this awesome guy we all love and miss hugely. Both times it’s been a hit and I look forward to many more years of it. Any excuse to come together and talk and laugh about him. Any excuse, forever and always.

This year, unlike last, I decided to stay elsewhere instead of the family home. No real reason, it just worked out that way. I attended the event. I celebrated him with his family and friends. I then went back to our accommodation with close friends of both his and mine to head out for a dance. I left the house party behind and went to celebrate him differently. In my own way. With people who also loved him.

I was told today by another close friend that there was talk about this. About me leaving early. About me leaving an event dedicated to him to go and do something else.

Apparently… It was rude.

Here’s what I have to say on the matter;

Every single day is about him for me. Every single hour. Minute. Second. Millisecond. Nano fucking second.

I don’t just celebrate/mourn/grieve him on one day. I do it constantly. All day long. Every day in every way.

So excuse me, for leaving the party early. Excuse me for doing something HE would never give me a hard time about. Excuse me for doing something you percieve as rude.

Unlike you, losing him has consumed my every waking thought for almost 18mths. He is in every breath I take, every step forwards I make, everything I do to better myself after such a catastrophic loss. He is engrained in my past and continues to be a reason to go on.

But you don’t see that. You just see the party. The one day where for you, it’s all about him. That’s my life. My everyday. The party is no different to my every minute.

Thank god you don’t know what that’s like but I kinda wish you did, if only for just a second. If you knew, if only you knew, you wouldn’t judge me for one teeny tiny second. You’d tell me you were proud of me for living. You’d congratulate me for wanting to enjoy myself. You’d admire my strength to slap a smile on my face and tell my future I’m waiting. You wouldn’t judge. 

You have no idea what the future looks like when the past is a wreck. None. You have no idea what I do to get myself up in the morning to get through my day. You have no idea what it’s like to try and stay positive when all you want to do is die. Thank goodness for that.

So, to judgey wudgey was a bear, consider yourself judged. While you celebrate him once a year, I celebrate him every minute. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

For what it’s worth, Russ wouldn’t judge me for doing what I did. If he has seen what I have been through to get to this minute since losing him which I know in my heart of hearts that he has, you know what he’d say?

“Just do whatever makes you happy babe. I’m happy when you’re happy.”

Know how I know that? Because he told me all the time.