Vulnerable…

Hate this.

I have a lot going on and of course when that happens, we tend to be a little more stabby. We tend to feel every bit of the pressure and little things get to us.
When that used to happen, before I lost Russ, I got mad about stuff. I’d fly off the handle in a grand display of dramatic anger. Then because I’d combusted it would be done.
Now, when I feel that pressure I don’t explode, I leak. I cry. Me. The person who never used to cry. Of course I’ve got 15mths (tomorrow…jesus fucking christ) of practice now. I’m well versed in the crying dept.

I had already had an odd day.
I had bumped into an old family friend. One who had been around well before hardship was something I’d truly experienced and had heard of Russ no longer being with us.
I held it together but inside I was weeping, tears were pouring out of me internally. My friend. I miss my friend. Having to talk about him and about my yuck journey up until now sort of broke me a little today. I was feeling the cracks, the cracks that life pressures had already created and now they were opening and I had no choice. Here I was again. Fuck.

Then, Evanescence – My Immortal, came on in the car today. I sobbed my heart out.

I can hold it together so long as my love cup is full, which obviously it’s not right now. I’ve scraped the bottom of the cup and you know what’s down there? My grief. At the bottom of that cup. Without those contents, the grief isn’t softened, it’s raw again.

You aren’t coming back, are you baby?…
Those familiar feelings of pain waves and hot tears stinging my eyes. That missing limb ache and moments of yearning so bad they resemble those first few months. Am I really fucking here again? Even if it’s only for a moment because I know once I’ve got over the hump, I’ll regroup and be ok again but right now, in this minute… Fuck.

I’ve cried more this afternoon than I have for months collectively. I’m sitting here beating myself up for being human when this is not a choice. This feeling is overwhelming and has become encompassing this afternoon. Maybe the crying will help reset my system? Here’s hoping.