The biggest break through for me on my trip was during the last few days.
A tonne of stuff happened while I was over there. A tonne of experiences lived. This was the most profound though.
I was suppose to be home a few days earlier. I extended my trip on a whim when given an opportunity to do so. Off the Gili T, somewhere I probably would have never thought to go. I’m glad I listened to my intuition.
Meditating on the beach, I had a weird sort of visitation connection.
Me carrying grocery bags, husband not helping me, him telling me to let go and me surrendering. I wasn’t carrying those bags anymore. I wasn’t weighed down by heartbreak or grief or pain.
I let go. You have no idea how much lighter I feel.
So much so that when I got back, I gathered up some of his things and took them out bush to be destroyed in a big camp fire. I also wrote him a letter to put on the fire telling him how much I loved him, how much I wish this wasn’t the case and how I needed to let go in order to live.
I was officially letting go and I was finally ok with it.
This stage can’t be rushed, it had to be decided by me. When I was ready. Not when someone else told me it was time. I’d finally got there. It was time.
Not everyone gets to that point when I did, some get there earlier and sadly, some never get there. Everyone has different ways of doing things, different coping mechanisms, different needs.
I’m not so unrealistic that I think that’s just it. I will allow myself the space to have bad days if I need. He’s still not here and I still love and miss him. But the heaviness is gone. The torture is less. The overwhelming heart ache is no longer the driver of my life. I can breathe.
Thank you Husband. Thank you for helping me to take another step forwards.