I’ve spoken about acceptance before and at different points, I thought I was there.
I wasn’t. I was experiencing a level of acceptance, yes, though true acceptance is something else.
I decided a few months ago that I was giving myself until the year mark to sort my head out. Then, the goal was to just stop it. Stop the grieving, stop the sadness, stop waiting for him to come back, just… stop it.
Very harsh goal to put on myself, I know. I mean it’s only a year. I was over it though. Jesus, just fucking stop it and start living, would you?
My trip to Bali helped hugely in this process and I’m really proud of myself. The one year mark came and went and I’m good. I’m smiling more, the load has lifted, the reality of a positive future if I so choose that for myself is definitely foreseeable.
I’ve only cried once in the last week and that was because I wanted to ask him something and he wasn’t there. It was short lived, not even 30 seconds worth and then I was done, back to deciding things for myself again.
I can honestly say that this is true acceptance. This is my life now. I’m living for both of us and that’s ok. Of course, it’ll never be ok that he isn’t here but I’m ok and will continue to be so.
I believe that everything happens for a reason and so there is obviously some reason he isn’t here. There is no reason to let this ruin me.
I’m very lucky in that I know without a shadow of doubt, he’d just want me to be happy. So that’s what I’ve been working towards and I’m not far off. Staying positive, realising this isn’t the end of the world (just that world) and that living well is the way to get through this. He would want that so I can confidently make that step into my future.
Husband, wherever you are, you’ve left behind a beautiful message from your life here.
“I just want everyone to be happy, that’s all I ever want.”
This has helped me accept your passing. I’m working towards the kind of happy you wanted. I owe you that!