Before I knew what this felt like for real, I had no idea how encompassing missing someone was.
I assumed (naively) that within time, it would just get easier and the pain would lift.
I had absolutely no concept of the varying degrees of grief and yearning that came with missing your person. I saw it one dimensionally from the outside only. I didn’t understand that that yearning came in levels, they ran deeper than I could imagine.
Now, I know better. Almost a year into this journey and I’m still constantly surprised by how a moment in time can floor me. How a memory can render me useless. How a thought can stop me completely in my tracks.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him, our life, my new life (that I never asked for), my future without him, him, him, him… Him.
I might look like I’m doing great and given the circumstances, I am. But that doesn’t stop the thoughts and feelings associated with the missing of my person.
It might be the simplest thing. Like taking the rubbish out in the rain. Or something breaking in the house. Or being cold in bed. Or needing a hug. Or wanting to go out for dinner. Or needing some intimacy. Or wanting to tell him something. Or some witty banter. Or looking at photos and videos and realising I’ll never get anymore of those of him. Or realising AGAIN that I’ll never get to talk to him. Or seeing my future with no him in it. Or watching a couple fight and wishing I had even that.
The list goes on. All day, every day. I may have realised these things a million times already but they keep popping up, over and over. Different levels, different realisations, different circumstances, same outcome.
I can’t explain how core shattering it is to realise the same thing over and over again but never actually get through it. I can’t make someone understand the depth in which this affects a person who has lost someone. I never thought that this would be how it is. I could never have predicted just how hard each moment without him would be.