With one of the two massive and most dreaded firsts for me done, I thought a weight would lift, but it hasn’t. I’m still as gut wrenchingly heartbroken as I was leading up to it.
Everyone says the lead up is always harder than the actual day and it was fucking hard. I was looking forward to the pain subsiding somewhat so I could catch a breath because I’m so fucking tired of feeling. Tough chance of that happening it would seem.
Maybe it’s because the next one is literally around the corner with a big but not major one bang smack in the middle? Maybe it’s just because I’m sad and I don’t want to do this without him anymore?
I find myself asking this a lot and I never get a real answer – How could you leave me here?
How could you leave me to fend for myself? How do I even do this without you? How could you possibly have left when we had so much left to do?
I don’t want a new life, I don’t want a new journey, I don’t want you to be there and me to just figure this shit out without you. I just want my old life back. Where I was happy, where you were here, where we were one. Life was so much easier. Life made sense. Now… Now is shit.
Am I unravelling? Am I officially falling apart, more so than I have done in the past 10.5mths? Am I finally done with the pain and worry and heart ache and yearning and fucking god damn need for you?
Where from here? Just, where? Everywhere I look is missing you and I hate all those roads.
I saw a quote today, “Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it.”
How can I not? I have ceased to see forwards, my vision is blurry, my will is tired. Maybe it will ebb away somewhat in a week, maybe I’ll be ok, maybe I won’t feel like ripping shit apart and just not existing. Maybe…