Am I doing this right?

What is a widow supposed to be like anyhow?

Don’t ask me, I’ve got no idea. I’m just doing this because I have no choice.

Am I sad enough? Am I strong enough? Am I inspirational enough? Am I resentful enough? Do I seem like a widow? Cry enough to be a widow? Look like a widow even?

The notion that you can put a widow in a box and say “This is what you’re supposed to be now” is ridiculous and offensive. Sometimes I’m sad, sometimes I’m happy, sometimes I’m so broken I can’t face the world. Sometimes I’m cranky, sometimes I’m generous, sometimes I can see the other side of the story and sometimes I can’t. Sometimes I hate people, sometimes I love them (though that’s pretty stock standard for me anyway…)

There aren’t any rule books on this shit. Should I be wearing black and have a tissue tucked in my sleeve? Should I be out of mourning and be getting on with it like some people expect? Should I stop talking about him, thinking about him, yearning for him?

Am I doing this wrong? Does anybody know? No? Didn’t think so.

Alls I know is that some days are better than others and equally, some days are more revolting. I know that I have to keep living even though sometimes I wish it wasn’t so. I know that I can be as upbeat as I like but if grief has an agenda, I’m screwed. I know that I have no fucking idea what I’m doing but I’m doing it, so that’s just how it is.

When is it appropriate to re-join the world? Have I done that? Am I half doing that?

So much confusion.

I guess it just is what it is and I just have to do what I do. People have opinions and time lines and thoughts but they’re not here, they’re not living this. If I don’t know how this is supposed to be done, how the fuck do they know?