I manage to keep it together these days. Most of the time. But lately, I’ve found myself falling back into old grief patterns. Getting depressed, feeling that indescribable yearning, crying behind closed doors.
I guess at least it’s behind closed doors now. Nobody can get uncomfortable around me when I do it alone.
I get the canvas of him down off the wall, sit on my bed and talk to him through tears.
I find myself getting choked up about simple things and hold it in until I’m by myself.
I curl up in bed and just cry because half of me is missing.
I know this is a pattern. I wonder how long it’ll last this time.
I am very aware of our first wedding anniversary looming. 1 week from now. Unlike other happy newly weds, that day brings dread, not joy. Sadness, not excitement.
I don’t get to plan something with my new husband. I don’t get to make him a beautiful dinner or look into that beautiful face of his or lay with him thinking about how blessed I am. What I get is to think all about how that day should be ours and instead… I’m doing it solo.
I will not be checking time hop (app that looks over that date in the past to show you what you got up to on Facebook) that day, that’s for certain.
Frankly I’m sick of these tears. I’m sick of how they tear through me and render me inconsolable. I hate that they control me and that I have no say in it. The pain lately has been similar to when I first lost him. Can I do this again, far out…