I know it must be hard to imagine what it’s like to be a widow. I mean, I don’t ever remember thinking to myself, “Hmmm, wonder what that feels like” but I know my friends have because they’ve witnessed my journey first hand.

I put a post on Husband’s wall, an exert from a book, about losing him over and over again. See, everything I do, every single day it a constant reminder of how I’ll never do that with or for him again.
I know I’ve spoken about this before in other ways but I’m really feeling it lately.

I don’t know why, but it still shocks me. I still have constant moments of realisation that I’ll never see him or feel him or hear him again. Not one day goes by that I don’t have to work through that niggling grief or those moments no matter how many times I’ve dealt with that same situation.

Even just the tiniest little things will trigger me, AGAIN. Like, there is no milk in the fridge or I see someone telling someone they miss them and I can’t tell my person something or the house needs to be vacuumed or I go to the bottle shop and pick up what he drank AGAIN. These are just a couple of examples but the reality is that every single day, I have to re-realise again and again that he’s no longer here and never will be again. And frankly, that’s terrifying every time I realise it. It still seems impossible sometimes that he’s never coming back.

Another start to the day alone.
Another bedtime alone.
Another crisis that only has me to deal with it.
Another funny moment I can’t share with him.
Another kiss I can’t give him.
Another choice I can’t discuss with him.
Another moment that only he’d get.

It’s like being on a merry-go-round and I keep passing the same spot over and over. The crippling effect it has on me hasn’t changed and it never really gets any easier. I just feel like Im waiting for a time when my days aren’t filled with moments of longing. For him.