I was cleaning my office desk today and looked down at my keyboard.
Would today be the day I’d finally wipe off the dirty marks on the keys? There on my wireless mac keyboard were brown keys where white keys once were, having been imprinted with tens of thousands of fingerprints per key.
I used to wipe it down quite regularly, but I haven’t recently. 10 months is a long time not to wipe down my keyboard.
Why? Because when I did finally wipe it, I’d be wiping off any trace that Husband had once used this keyboard as well. He’d be gone permanently from it, no longer leaving echoes of his energy behind where I sit and write.
I was in two minds for just a second. I’d put it off for so long but it was time. I sprayed it and walked away to let it sit for a second. It was done, no turning back now.
10 months it took me to do that. To feel like I would be ok with his fingerprints no longer being on something I touched everyday. I’m glad I waited, I have no regrets.
It got me really thinking about what else I’ve done as a result of grief and wanting his energy to stay close to me. There are tonnes of things…
Like the sheets. I didn’t change the sheets for close to 6 weeks after he passed away.
His ashes, I slept with them beside me for about 3 months.
I would wear his cologne around the house.
I wore his favourite hoodie for the entire winter and it looks like I’m gearing up to do the same thing this winter.
I left an empty beer can he’d drunk from in the beer cosy on the sink, where he’d left it.
Some of these sound normal, some sound weird, some are really weird. They were just a few of the things I needed to do to process my loss. Grief is a fascinating and mysterious beast filled with odd behaviours and strange habits. I guess unless you’ve been there…