The future isn’t fun to think about anymore. As much as I try to see the positives in things and talk myself around, the reality of life without him now is pretty dull.
I read a great piece a week or so ago about the feeling of not existing anymore.
You see, I don’t want to die but Husbands absence makes life not worth it sometimes. I don’t want to die but sometimes I’d like to just not exist, even if it’s just for a little while because missing him is unbearable.
When I sit and actually think about the life ahead of me, I no longer have that same zest for life I once had. I make plans and things I’d like to do but I don’t care anymore.
It may sound ridiculous to those who haven’t walked this journey but it often a feels like I’m just living day by day waiting for the time that I’m with him again. This is the most revolting feeling and not like me at all. I hate not having him and I hate the thought of living the rest of my days without him.
I have found myself thinking a billion times that I hope it’s sooner rather than later. Isn’t that horrid? Yet I don’t want to die.
It’s a sticky place to be stuck, that’s for sure.
Things I used to get excited about and now I’m just bllllaaaahhhhhhhh. There are things I know I SHOULD be excited about and I mostly have to fake it.
I often groan at the thought that I have a long life ahead of me.
I hate this.
I just have to keep living in the moment which sounds good but if I don’t do that, the vast reality of a life without him seems to stretch FOREVER.