I was talking to a friend the other night about anxiety and it’s made me really really think about what my levels are at moment. Thank goodness for that.
It seems I’ve sort of skipped right over the fact that it’s actually controlling me a little at the moment. Ok, I lie. It’s controlling me quite a lot.
I’ve become so used to being on edge that I have forgotten to check in with myself completely, I’ve become accustomed. This is never a good thing.
Yes, I have tools to combat it which means it’s not wiping me out for long but the anxious episodes have become more frequent than I realised. I’m actually spending most of my days fighting off my anxiety. How did I not know I was doing this? Stubborn resilience, it’s not always to my benefit.
The things that pop into my head aren’t good. I keep thinking completely irrational stuff and it’s exhausting just wondering how I am processing those thoughts, let alone when I actually have to. I am very aware of PTSD remnants – they’re creeping in and consuming me.
I think perhaps in my NO WALLS approach, I have taken away something that always protected me from spiralling out of control. Those bloody walls, damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m functioning – I’m just not functioning on a level I’d like to be functioning on. I’m thinking about things that don’t need to be thought about. I’m anxious about stuff that’s not even happening. I’m constantly in survival mode and… I’m just fucking exhausted.
Now that I know this? I’m going to do something about it. Nobody should have to live like this and I’m no exception. If something can be done to help resolve an issue, then you should always endeavour to do that, right? You’d think so.
Time to up the anti on my anxiety control, because I refuse to let this have any hold on me… Watch this space.