This stupid bloody hole. I recognise this place, thought I’d filled it in enough that I could see over the opening. But, no. All that hard work and here I am again at the bottom.
What. The. Actual. Fuck?!?!
Not sure where all that progress dirt went. Don’t know how it just disappeared again but it has and the thought of climbing back out is exhausting. I’ll just sit here for a bit, take a breath, let the dirt in underneath my finger nails because there is no point fighting this now. I just don’t have the strength.
Truth is, I’ve just reached another broken phase. I don’t know how I got here, I just did. I never know how I get here. I certainly don’t mean it or want to be here. I work really hard on not being here, though I’ve realised I don’t actually have a choice. I’m here. Tough shit, girl. Deal with it.
It happens regardless of my intent. I wallow, I yearn, I cry, I curl up and hide from the world and then the sun comes out again and I open my windows and let the breeze through my space. I know, this too shall pass.
Thank goodness I know that. At the beginning of all of this I didn’t. Right there at the start of this journey, I never thought I’d smile or laugh or find joy in anything but then I did.
I can’t even tell you how many of these waves I’ve been on but fuck this beach and fuck these waves. I’m done, this hurts – stop it.
Now I know. Now I know that sooner rather than later, I’ll be able to breathe again. I’ll be able to joke and find happiness in small things. I will be able to enjoy some of my days, remember the good stuff, think about my future.
Thank goodness I know that, because it means this hole is only temporary. This hole won’t be forever. I’ll make it out. In the meantime, I’ve just got to wait it out knowing that it won’t always feel like this and that I’ll be able to think straight again soon.