Feeling very… ripped off. Recently I find that all I’m seeing is couples. Happy couples, in love couples, couples that get to spend time with one another. I know this is probably because my focus is on the fact that I’m not a part of one now. It’s really made me think though (again, for at least the 4,000,000th time) about what I’m missing.
One such instance in particular set me off the most. A short wedding video set on a beach that occurred around the time Husband and I exchanged vows. They look as happy as we did but the difference is, they’re still that happy. They’re still in love, they’ve still got their whole future right there in front of them. And we don’t.
We’ll never have that. We barely even got a little bit of it. That was supposed to be us.
It probably doesn’t help that Valentine’s day was spent being sad (I think that’s where I started this downward spiral again) that I didn’t have my person. Which is ridiculous because we didn’t celebrate valentine’s day. In fact, husband was so anti valentine’s day that I pretty much thought he was a turd for the entire day every year.
I’m a pretty simple person when it comes to romance. I don’t require presents or even effort. I like simple romance, to know I am being thought of. He was really good at doing that. But Valentine’s Day, his knee jerk way of going against the expectation that he ‘should’ do something was to be a jerk.
So, it’s safe to say that Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be a day that stirs me in such a way, because it was never a very good day with him anyhow. What it does do, is highlight how very alone I am without him. How missing he is. How I’m no longer part of a couple. Gah! 3 weeks post Valentine’s day and I’m still feeling like this, I hate to think what I’m going to be like from our first wedding anniversary through to his angel-versary.
I saw a couple yesterday. They weren’t doing anything particularly loving except just being together. They were oblivious to their surrounds and they were sharing a moment in time where only they existed. I had that once upon a time, and now I don’t. That was supposed to be us. Until we were old. Until we’d lived a long life together weaving and ducking through life’s hurdles and good times.
I know at some point, I’ll have that again. But I know I will live the rest of my days wishing I still had that with him, even if I’m happy. The new life won’t absolve the feelings of wanting the old one back.