You’ll notice that some days, I’m standing sword in hand ready to slash down whatever life throws at me and then other days, I’m back in a space where I’m unsure of whether I’ll make it through.
Grief… She’s an unpredictable bitch.
I’m not going to apologise for bouncing between conquer and torture because this is my journey and I’m doing the best I can.
I really try to be as positive as I can and for the most part it’s working but there really are some days and moments where it’s near on impossible. I know this, I accept this, I get on with it the best way I know how.
I can tell myself all I like that that is it but the reality is so much deeper and harder than that. I won’t however stop telling myself that I’ve got this, because it’s a survival technique I’ve taught myself and it works for the most part. Life gets in the way though and emotions have a way of bubbling to the surface threatening to blow your cover.
I would say, if I was going to give a percentage on ok vs. not ok, it’d probably be 65% doing great, 25% just good and 10% not. That’s pretty good odds, I think anyhow.
Sometimes I can feel it coming and I prepare myself. Clear my schedule, warn people, lay in wait for it to all explode in front of me. Other times, I’m doing great and then *WHACK*, it comes out of nowhere and I’m curled up in bed crying about something stupid that happened.
Other times I prepare myself for the storm and it never comes. It’s just a breeze and I’ve battened down the hatches for nothing. Better safe than sorry, right?
I have to just go with it. Let it be what it is. Be ok with the ebb and flow of it. Not be too hard on myself.
I also sometimes just need to explode and get it out because that’s what needs to happen.
I’ve had some bottled up crap going on lately about expectations and it’s been eating away at me. Not anymore.
I try to do this with as much grace as humanly possible but sometimes it doesn’t happen that way. I’m still me. I’m still the fiery, short tempered individual I always was, I’m just more worldly now.
Today was a KA-BOOM day and I’m fine with that. Hopefully I’ll have a better day soon.