I’m not going to lie, ONE of the hardest things is going from a loving relationship filled with affection and physical touch and love to NOTHING. It wasn’t one of the hardest things at first of course but as I get further and further down this track, it becomes more and more obvious how starved for affection I really am.
I’ve been saying yes a lot, to social gatherings and going out and every time I am out and about, I wonder when will be the time that I let someone close enough to
break the affection drought.
No one interests me though because no one is Husband. I guess that’s just another hurdle I have to overcome and I’m sure when I find someone who fascinates me or peaks my interest as much as Husband did, I’ll let him show me the affection I’m craving.
I made the first move with Husband. We’d been hanging out for a couple of months as friends. We enjoyed each others company and both of us just appreciated how easy it was to be with someone who entertained the other with no effort. There was always so much laughing.
This particular night, we had had a belly full of booze and were hanging out with another friend in his garage, just pottering, chatting and laughing about silly things.
I stood on a milk crate to change the radio station and he came over to help me figure out how the heck to work this thing. He was right there, at eye level (He was 6″4, I’m 5″4) and for the first time, I really saw into those big blue eyes of his.
He was looking at me and smiling curiously, perhaps because I had a look on my face he hadn’t seen himself. He asked me what I was thinking about and I just said to him, “I’m thinking that I’m just feel like kissing you right now.” And that was that. The beginning of our exciting and fun filled adventure.
We totally take for granted the intimacy we have in our worlds and then when it’s gone, we become hollow from the lack of it. I can’t even begin to describe to you what it’s like to not have that in your world anymore when it was such a big part of it.
Watching other couples since all this happened, I would say that Husband and I were in the middle. We didn’t feel the need to be touching all the time but we didn’t not touch one another either. We used to lay in bed every night holding hands for one and if we weren’t holding hands, we were touching in some way. We kissed hello and goodbye. We touched each other when we were walking past. Hugs were common and it felt so good to be wrapped up in his ridiculously long arms. I felt tiny and secure.
Husband didn’t like public displays of affection as a rule. In fact, for my birthday once, I asked him to hold my hand as part of my birthday present. Holding hands was ‘gay’ as far as he was concerned. Gay being lame and stupid. Luckily for him, I didn’t require him to do that to feel important but sometimes I liked it and sometimes he just had to do it regardless of how gay it felt to him.
I think it’s fair to say that Widows (and widowers) become affectionately starved. Just another thing to miss amongst the other 40 zillion things. It’s yet another hurdle and pain we have to endure because they were our person, we fit in their arms and in their space. Their affection and touch was for us solely. So on top of missing everything we miss about them, we become withdrawn and less capable of accepting the intimacy we’d taken for granted before because whomever may be offering some affection isn’t that person. In my mind, I’m married and all I want is him. Quite the dilemma.