Nearly 9 months into this journey and I can’t believe how quickly it has gone.
At the beginning, I didn’t think I’d make it to the next minute, let alone the next day or month or 9 bloody months.
Grieving is so tiring and while I’ve spent a good portion of it trying to be pro-active, I find that the more time that goes by, the harder it becomes. Weird huh? You’d think it would become easier. It’s almost like everyday that I wake up and it’s a new day, I feel like it’s one more day further away from him and it’s really starting to play on me.
I still can’t fathom how the world just keeps on going without him here. How is that possible when he was such a key person to the workings of it?
It’s getting to the point where people expect me to “be over it” now. If only they knew that as time goes on, it doesn’t get better, it only gets worse. I can’t explain why but it does.
Think that maybe it has something to do with the fact that even though we go through the stages and even though we know they’re not coming back, the longer they’re gone, we continue to realise on a new levels that they really really aren’t.
Ok, so it’s fair to say I’m having a bad day today. The weekends are hard, because the weekends were our time. We’d wake up together and get to spend the majority of the two days pottering at leisure. I’ve been in tears on and off since I got up at 4:45 this morning. My tears started before the sun even woke up.
I have days like this and I don’t beat myself up about it. I have found when I allow space for the crappy times, I’m better in the good times.
While some stuff gets easier, some things definitely get harder along the way. The missing doesn’t cease just because you get used to it. It continues and on days like today, it’s just plain fucking hard to be without him.