I was laying on the couch last night watching tele and I happened to look down at my feet stretched out on the chaise. I was laying there unconsciously wiggling my toes. This wasn’t a new thing, I’ve done it for as long as I can remember. I don’t know why I do it or what purpose it serves but it’s just one of my little idiosyncrasies.
Wondering where I’m going with this?
What this brought up for me was that never again would I hear Husband laugh at how I did this, nor how I did any of the things that are just so perfectly me.
He used to sort of sing this little song that went Dig-a-dig-a-dig-a-dig-a-dig-dig. Said fast and sort of high, it sounds like a cartoon character running away quickly, which is what he likened my unconscious toe wiggling to. I don’t know why but he just thought it was funny and he made it funny for me.
While I was laying there last night, it made me think over all the other things about me he’d comment on. Like how I always have a finger near my mouth. This is a left over thing from when I was a nail biter and now I just put it near my mouth or the tip of the nail in my mouth without biting. I do it when I’m anxious, or thinking about something usually. He’d ask me what I was thinking about.
Often we don’t know we do things as regularly until someone points it out to us. We might be aware that we’ve done it or do it sometimes but not to the extent we actually do.
Luckily for me, there were little tiny things I did that he did point out and they were endearing behaviours of mine to him. He’d tell me they were cute, or he loved that I did these things. The nail biting not so much, but it would open dialogue. The toe wiggling, he always had a loved up chuckle.
I really sat in that moment last night thinking about what else about me he had grabbed onto and noticed.
I play with my hair all the time, like all the time. He made a joke once about it which turned into him deliberately doing the same in response. It became a funny little diddy between the two of us and turned into his personal joke about how he had luscious locks. He’d do an over exaggerated flick of his head in an attempt to look like he was flicking those locks which given his trade and how much dirt would accumulate in his hair quickly and the fact that he wore a hat about 95% of the time, they wouldn’t budge. It was funny anyhow.
It left me sitting there wondering if I’ll ever have that again. Not necessarily the toes, or the nails or the hair, but whether I would ever again have someone in my life who noticed these small things I did and celebrated them, because they were all me.
It just another layer of the missing is all. Nothing particularly new, it’s just another facet to the absence of him.