I follow a page on Facebook that was created by a widow. She’s about 5 years into her journey. Fortunately for her, she’s started what seems to be a very loving and fulfilling chapter 2.

That is what I aspire to. To one day find someone who fills in all the blanks, loves me like I deserve to be loved and who brings that happiness I once had back into my life.

She still, even though she’s married and happy, talks about her late Husband.
Her business is based around her experience in losing him and he is still an integral part of her forever journey. He always will be, because luckily for her she’s with someone who knows that she loves them both and always will.
Now that’s a man right there. Not threatened by her past but rather embraces it with her and continues to allow her the space she needs to mourn her Chapter 1 if need be, because I think there is a part of us that always will.

We planned a future with someone. We couldn’t wait to do this or experience that with them and then they are gone and poof, so is everything you ever dreamed of and planned for. Our entire future has just been taken from us. So hard to comprehend, even for me who is living it.

5 years in and with a new husband whom she adores and she still talks about her late husband.
Doesn’t give me much hope that I won’t do the same…

I’ve thought about this a lot and have even touched on it in previous posts. Through different things that have happened or different people I’ve been around lately, I’ve realised I’ve come to the end of the line with them when talking about him. It’s healthy for me but unhealthy for them.

This journey of mine, I’ve tackled head on. I’ve deliberately worked through the motions. I’ve faced the emotions, the pain and the continuous torture. I’ve sifted through those things and even though he’s still a part of my here and now because I still love him so incredibly. I can now talk about him and laugh or feel joy for something we experienced together. Not every single one of my moments thinking about him is filled with pain because I allowed that as it came. I still feel the ache of his absence regularly but I can look back at my time with him and smile more or laugh about him because he was great.

I forget that others haven’t. I forget that others haven’t spent every waking moment inside their heads trying to work out how they’re going to get to the next minute without him being a part of it because he was my world and my world no longer exists as it should. I forget that people grieve differently, think about things differently, hurt differently, hold onto things differently.

I think too, people forget that they talk to their person about what they’re thinking, feeling, missing, craving. And even if they don’t talk to their person, their person or people are still there. Or, they may just be dealing with the same way they deal with anything. “Same” no longer exists in my world. Because “same” was having him. Where’s my person? He’s the one that’s missing. It’s been almost 9 mths which feels like forever but it’s ONLY been 9 mths too. That’s not a lot of time to get to a point of not talking about him or thinking about him always. It’s whizzed by and yet it’s all still so fresh and new.

I love talking about him because doing so keeps him there and a part of every part of my life that’s happening. Not talking about him sucks. It means he isn’t in that moment and that is fucking unbearable for me. Just thinking about him not being included makes my heart physically hurt sometimes. Where it hurts others to talk about him because it highlights how he isn’t around anymore, not talking about him has that effect on me.

I like to reflect. I like to laugh about him and his antics. I don’t want him forgotten or pushed to the side or not talked about. Because that means he’s gone for good. I know that sounds ridiculous because he is gone but what I mean is, like he was never here. So much sadness in that sentence.

Might do my hide from the world thing again for a bit. At least in the sense that doing what comes naturally to me which is loving him with every fibre of my being and acknowledging his presence in my life, doesn’t affect other people. I don’t want to hurt others with my love or yearning for him and that’s all I’m really doing by acknowledging him.
Perhaps I just need to work through this too.