As I look back over Husband’s Facebook page, I see that most of the posts on his wall are from me. I’m ok with that, talking to him helps me in so many different ways but I wonder what affect it has on other people who also follow his page.
Not long after Husband passed away, a friend who had also lost a loved one tragically came over to just sit with me. His loved one had been gone a few years but their page was still a hive of activity for those left behind. This pissed my friend off, distressed him even because she was no longer here and people were talking to her as if she were.
At the time, it was only early days but I did wonder if there would be a time where the posts would dwindle or if I’d get to a point where I no longer need that physical connection to him.
That time hasn’t come, I still talk to him regularly online. Sometimes I just need to tell him something, sometimes I need to feel closer to him, sometimes I just want him to know he is loved and missed.
I do wonder though what my posting does to others. I mean, to be fair, regardless of how they feel I’m going to keep doing it as long as I deem necessary for me but that doesn’t stop me thinking about those who have to witness my outpouring of love and yearnings and virtual drop ins.
Does it distress people like it distressed my friend? Do they think it’s stupid to talk to a dead man online? On that train of thought, do they realise that that’s all I’ve got now and never ever again am I going to have the opportunity to text him and get a response or turn to him in bed and tell him that I love him knowing he heard me and feels loved?
It’s quite simple really, when you think about it. Grief has to be dealt with in anyway that gets you through your day. You have to do whatever it is that gets you through your moment without your person. You don’t know how you’ll be, or how you’ll cope or how you’ll get from one moment to the next. You have to make it up as you go along.
I write to him regularly, in this blog and on his page. Because that’s all I’ve got now. I hope he reads my words of love wherever he is but mostly the connection is what I need to make me feel better.