It’s fair to say that grief has stolen time from me. Rightly so too, it was what needed to happen in order for me to get to where I am going now. Obviously it was unavoidable and really when you’ve lost your soul mate, you grieve not only the person but also the life you had, the future you’d planned and what would have been. In a heartbeat, if given the option, I’d have him back without a fun and exciting future planned, just because he was my future. He was the other half of me.
You get to a point though where you can actually see that you don’t want to be in that grief hole anymore. You want to smile and breathe and move and shake and laugh and LIVE. I find myself saying yes more, wanting to open new doors for myself, creating new opportunities and seeking out things that create a new space for my new life without him.
On my birthday this year, my 33rd birthday, I am going skydiving. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do but as I always had the opinion that I had more time, it was just on the to-do list.
“The trouble is, we think we have time” – Buddha.
So, it’s booked and I’m doing it. How exciting!
Along this train of thought though, I’m doing quite a few things to re-invent myself. I’m looking at a new career path. I don’t know what exactly yet but I’m getting there. Opportunities tend to present themselves at the right time I’ve found so I’m just chugging along, applying for work and when something right comes up, I’ll know it.
I want to love going to work because we spend so much time there that why would you do it if you didn’t love it?
My grandfather told me years before he passed that he loved going to work everyday. He thoroughly enjoyed what he did for a living and encouraged that of everyone. I want that. I want to enjoy what I do. Husband thoroughly enjoyed his work also and he was really good at what he did. Passion, I have it, I just want to put it somewhere magnificent.
I’m writing a new future. Setting new goals. Creating new memories. Focusing on my little family’s new needs and wants. It feels good to be on that track. It feels great to have the clear mindset to trek in that direction. What a journey it has been to get to this frame of mind. A lot of work went into getting to this point. It wasn’t easy. None of this has been easy at all and as I keep saying, even though I’m here ready for the future that’s been sprung upon me, I still hold onto my past sometimes because I want to. It is my past that creates my future. It’s mine to do with what I wish.