I have always been able to look hard into the face of a challenge and say with conviction, “You will not beat me, I am far stronger than you.” I always liked that about myself. I will not be a victim to circumstance.
Challenges are like bullies. If you stand up and say, “Come on then, you’ve threatened me, do your worst!” they generally back off. Bullies aren’t usually prepared for an opponent. They rely on people backing down.
It took me a bit. Took me far longer than any other time I’ve faced a challenge. But this wasn’t your garden variety challenge. No, this was bad. The worst. This wasn’t just a challenge. This was the fight of my life. It threatened to take me with it.
I could have given up. It seemed like the easiest option. I just wanted to be with him because life wasn’t worth living without him in it. It was that simple.
I couldn’t give up though. Because surely there was light at the end of the grief tunnel. Because my kids deserve their mum. Because enough with the heart break already. We’ve all been through enough.
I just had to make it to the next moment in time.
In the beginning it was surviving short amounts of time. Time dragged it’s feet. My ability to fight this was near impossible and I was lacking the motivation to actually make any impact. The effort it took to keep my boxing stance up was so. fucking. tough.
I had to keep going. No matter what, I knew there had to be something better around the corner. Surely.
I chose strength. I chose to fight. I chose to look that bully right in the face and say, “You’re weak. I’ll win. I’m not afraid of you. I’ve got this.”
I think, that if you say it enough, you can trick yourself into being strong and once you’ve faked it for a while, you start to become that. I knew I was strong already which probably helped in this process but I really did have to fake it for a while there.
Fake it ’till you make it, right? I think therefore I am.