I am very aware of this pedestal that Husband now lives on. He is the barometer in which I will forever measure my future relationships, whether it be partner or friend, because he was both.
I’m not disillusioned now that I am a widow and I’m very aware of what wasn’t perfect in our union, though it may not always seem like that. I talk and reflect on the good things, because they are what matters. The not so great stuff, the hard stuff, that was just a part of it and I don’t like to dwell on those things. They weren’t who we were as a whole, they were just a part of what we were as a couple.
I’ve read about this pedestal that the deceased get placed on. The one where they did no wrong and the people left behind forget the bad stuff because you don’t speak ill of the dead, right? Our brains forget the hard bits in the yearning. We grieve so hard, longing for the chance to have them back that all we focus on is the good things we’re missing out on.
If the person was good, and kind and worth good thoughts, then that’s how we should remember them. Because they deserve that.
Nobody is perfect however. Not one person is all sparkles and rainbows. We all have flaws. I know I do, as do you, as does the guy down the street. But these flaws, our very human flaws get forgotten in the midst of heart break. We only remember the good and really, is that such a bad thing? Maybe it is. It certainly doesn’t help with the missing of them as we’ve created a bubble around them, shot them into untouchable god like creatures who could do no wrong. It was important for me to have some time to really think about the harder things in our relationship so I could be realistic. I had to remember that husband wasn’t this picture of perfection because nobody is and I can imagine that that would be really hard for any new comers into my life to live up to.
Husband wasn’t abusive or even mean but he could be a real jackass sometimes. His actions sometimes really made me mad, or sad, or would irritate the ever living crap out of me. Sometimes I wasn’t 100% happy and sometimes I didn’t like him all that much. That is just a side effect of being committed to someone though and if you look at your relationship, I’ll guarantee you have that too occasionally.
I know for a fact that sometimes he disliked me too. Sometimes I did things that really pissed him off and like him, there were times I really didn’t care that it had pissed him off. Too bad, so sad, Sunshine.
I sure did love him though, with all my heart. You take the good with the annoying and obviously, if I could change this I’d welcome all that crummy stuff back into my life just to have him back. Hell, I’d happily take him back with more crappy stuff if he’d just get his arse back here.
I want the good stuff to be the things we remember though. I want him to be thought about in the best possible way which isn’t hard with him because he had so many great things about him.
So, yes. I’m very aware of this pedestal he stands on but I’m not unrealistic. If I talk about only the good things, it’s because I really just prefer to focus on that stuff, not because I don’t remember the other stuff.