I know it’s way too early to even think about an actual timeline on this. Even though I’ve accepted it and know he’s not coming back, he’s still my husband and a reference point for a lot of things I’ve done, seen, felt, learned and in turn, planned for my future. I sometimes wonder if a time will come where I don’t think or talk about him all the time. It’s doesn’t seem possible right now but there will probably be a time, most likely when I am in another relationship I would say, that I don’t talk about him quite as much. Not quite sure how that would go down…
For now though, it’s all I know. I want to talk about him. I want to remember him and reminisce about times we had. I want the reference point. I want to yell his name from the rooftops, like he yelled mine from the Goulburn War memorial once – story for another day perhaps.
I don’t want to forget his role in my life which seems silly to say because I’ll never forget. I just don’t want it to be just a section of my life that I forget bits about as life gets busy. Because he mattered. So much. He was so much of what and who I am now. Does that make sense?
I had a great chat with husband’s brother the other day. A fellow realist, which I appreciate hugely. A short recap, we talked about there being a time where it was ok to just move on from this and that he would be worried if in x amount of time from now, I was still so focused on my husband. For example, talking about him constantly when I’ve got time in front of me to focus on.
Because let’s face it, he was my past but I’ve got a whole lot of future in front of me.
This is truth. This conversation had a really big impact on me and has sent me on a thinking trail about when this is likely to lessen. No negative feelings towards this conversation in the slightest, I’m a great appreciator of a frank discussion that makes you think. There are so many shades of grey in between that black and white.
Truth is, I really don’t want to ever forget him and I catch myself sometimes trying to remember things like what his hands felt like or his voice really sounded like but I find that I just can’t recall it. That makes me really sad because I held his hand daily and listened to him speak always. I have videos on my phone that I watch sometimes just to see him animated and in front of me. I also watch the videos on his phone because even though he’s behind the camera, there is his voice or his laugh. It helps me remember things I think I have forgotten. Of course I haven’t forgotten, his voice and laugh is so familiar to me that I promise myself in those moments to stick it right in there for when I’m feeling like this again.
It’s always a bit surprising though, when I watch or listen. Oh, that’s right. There you are, baby.
Most of the time, I’ve got instant recall. I can listen to a sentence said by him in my head and hear the gravelly tone he’d have said it in. I’m always glad when I can do that. I don’t need back up, I’ve got it stored, right there.
There will be a time I’m sure when I keep the stuff to myself more and remember him more quietly. That’s what moving forwards properly is about, right? Leaving the past exactly where it is and keeping the experiences, the love and the values for later life use.