This was a really hard post to write, because it’s all the stuff that I miss about him not being here anymore and that stuff, no matter how far I’ve come will never be the same again. Yes it still hurts. Yes it makes me sad. Yes I wish it was different.
Even now, when I’ve got myself through the worst of the journey (for now, though I’m not unrealistic about returning feelings), I still have my bad moments and I’m not sure that it’ll ever be any different. They aren’t revolting like they were before but are still incredibly sad. I was talking to Besty earlier about some of the things I realise that I miss the most and things I’ll probably never have again because my husband was such a unique character.
It wasn’t even really the things he did for me. Not massive things (though he did those too sometimes) but small little considerate stuff to show me he cared and was always thinking about me. Things couples who love each other do for one another. We were both like that actually. When you love someone, you enjoy doing things to make their life easier or you enjoy the fact that you know they’ll smile as a result of something easy you’ve done for them.
I miss a lot of things unique to his character mostly. Stuff that was so him and so not a run of the mill character trait or behaviour. It’s still unfathomable sometimes to think that he’ll never be that again.
Without further ado…
– Being winked or smiled at from across the room
– A hand on my leg while I was driving
– Milk in the fridge in the morning for my coffee even though he didn’t drink it
– His cute pet names for me, whatever the flavour of the week was at the time
– His high fives when I disagreed with him on something and his appreciation for my difference of opinion
– The stupid made up language we had that evolved as time went on
– Him cooking dinner when he knew I couldn’t be bothered
– His love of my cooking and the fuss he made while he was eating something I’d made especially for him
– The things he used to find cute about me, whether it be my mannerisms or a way I said or did something
– The things I used to find adorable about him, his eye wrinkles, his crooked cheeky smile, the way he moved his hands
– The way he’d watch me, that silly look on his face, when he didn’t think I knew he was watching
– The way he moved around the house with such purpose
– The muttering to himself when he was trying to figure something out
– His laugh
– His hand running over the back of my neck as he walked past me
– The love notes written on my yoghurt for work, or on the backs of receipts or once, on my hand in permanent texta while I slept
– His “love you” texts
– His willingness to help me out if I needed him to
– His instant recall on any song, from any album, from an era
– His ability to have a heated discussion/argument/yelling match with me and be friends again 5 mins later
– The excitement on his face when he was leaving for a riding weekend
– The pure joy on his face when he returned home from said riding weekend
– His devil may care attitude
– His easy going nature
– His acceptance for other people
– His cruisey arse attitude
– His sense of humour
– His confidence in ‘us’
– His quick wit
– The unique way he’d do things because that was “his way”
– His laugh, my god, his laugh
– His ability to accept fault
– Him grabbing my whole face as he bent down to kiss me, like he meant it
– The fact that he’d drop anything to help anyone in his life if they needed him
– His cheeky wit
– The fact that he didn’t try to change me, but instead accepted me for who I am as a person
– His sense of mischief
– Him involving in what he was doing, because his love language was quality time
– His cleverness
– His genuine care for people
– His ability to defuse me when I was in a hot headed mood
– His kind eyes
– His thoughtful servo gifts of chocolate, ice-cream, energy drinks or meat pies
– His “Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabbbbbby” when he wanted something
– His cute little dance when he was excited
– His ability to entertain a crowd
– His skilful hands
– Him changing the channel to something he knew I’d prefer to watch
– His trust in me – It was so nice to be able to live as I pleased because he knew he could trust me
– His invitations to things other wives weren’t invited to
– His indépendant nature that meant we had his life, my life and our life together, we didn’t need to be in each others pockets
– His enjoyment in the littlest things
– His way of making light of a situation so it was easier to solve it
– His commitment
– His loyalty
– The way his eyes sparkled when he was up to no good in the name of fun
– His good morals
– His love for flying by the seat of his pants
– His adaptability
He was helpful and caring and kind. He was generous and warm and funny. People were drawn to him because he had this beautiful sense of genuine realness, fun and charisma that is really hard to come by.
He was a good friend, he was a good partner, he was a really really good person. One of the best, bias aside.
Don’t get me wrong, he had this innate ability to piss me right off. Sometimes, he’d go out of his way just to get a rise out of me and he thoroughly enjoyed watching as I lost my shit over something he’d done on purpose. The glee in his eyes when he was doing something that he knew would shit me to tears was something else but that was all part of his charm. As infuriating as it was at the time.
I wasn’t perfect either, by any stretch of the imagination and would sometimes find myself not caring about something that I probably should have cared about.
Our relationship was by no means perfect and sometimes the level of stress one of us caused the other was pretty bad but we loved each other so much and the good outweighed the bad by a long shot.
I’m just so glad that I told him how great he was all the time too. How cleaver he was, how smart he was, how funny he was, how much I loved him. I told him all the wonderful things about him that made my life with him great. He knew, because I didn’t keep it to myself. I thanked him, all the time, for so many things. Things that people take for granted in their lives. Because that was important to me. I wanted him to feel loved and appreciated and the best way I knew how was to show him the way he showed me and to tell him how awesome he was.
I’m also so grateful that he too told me. Thank you is such an easy phrase to say and yet it doesn’t get said enough. We had that and it was the easiest thing in the world. I can absolutely rest easy knowing he knew he was loved.
There are a million other things I miss about him but the list would go on forever.
The lesson here, for those reading and myself as well is to always be grateful for the little things especially. The people in your lives who walk beside you, living life with you are there for a reason and they need to know, all the time, that they are great and that you value them and what they bring to your world.
How grateful are you?